In this breaking story, WJLA corrspondant Cock Sux0r has interviewed Alex Avriette, chief Tool of Wankrite Systems. This juicy tidbit should hold you over until eleven, when Mr. Sux0r will air his full, no holds barred interview with Mr. Avriette.
CS: Mr. Avriette, is it true you're not a violent man?
AA: I have to tell you Cock, I gave up violence long ago, around the time I performed the bloodletting ceremony required of all initiates into the Buddhist cult.
CS: Can you tell me more about this?
AA: Well, with those Jews and Christians, I had just about reached the end of my rope with all the corpses-on-crosses and buggery. I found that the conversion to Buddhism, while entirely outside the scope of normal violence and society's mores, still fit into my personal held belief that people should suffer before accepting God. Or Buddha as the case may be.
CS: Can you tell us more about this, Alex?
AA: I'm not sure I can really go into this, Cock.
CS: I'm sorry to hear that. The American public has been anxious to hear about this since your much publicized conversion.
AA: The American Public? Cock, why didn't you tell me that my public reputation was on the line?!
CS: Well, you know, you've always been against the more violent and macabre religions, and yet here you are joining Buddhism, another "Temple of Doom" as they've said...
AA: Mr. Sux0r, let me put an end to this right now. I still harbor homicidal tendencies. In fact, foremost on my mind are the developers at Apple Computer. The ones specifically responsible for the ackles in the Airport Base Station.
CS: To be honest, Mr. Avriette, I didn't think you still had it in you.
AA: Cock, let me be the first to say that I am most certainly still a trained killer.
You heard it, folks. Mr. Avriette confesses his homicidal fantasies as indulged by none other than Guatama Buddha himself. Stay tuned at Eleven, after the news!
In Washington DC, today, a small flock of albino pigs were seen flying over the capital. Mr. Bush was quoted as saying, "Ms. Pelosi, I always said that'd happen before you took office. Appears you have beaten your porcine competitors... Give Bushy a hug!"